


what does space feel like?

by KtheG



Series: FallenHalo [2]
Category: Warrior Nun (TV)
Genre: F/F, Little bit of angst, Tension, fallenhalo, little bit of soft, not my best work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:55:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25946923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KtheG/pseuds/KtheG
Summary: Lilith and Ava have some realizations all thanks to sparring.
Relationships: Sister Lilith/Ava Silva
Series: FallenHalo [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1865551
Comments: 12
Kudos: 81





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> So it has come to my attention that there isn't enough FallenHalo. I'm here to fix that one fic at a time. This isn't my best work but I'm sick of rereading it and editing, so here it is.

The tension of the two of them arguing brought them closer and closer until they both froze, standing chest to chest (more like Ava’s face to Lilith’s chest) and the muscles in Ava’s neck were straining to meet Lilith’s eyes. Jaws were clenched, eyes slanted and eyebrows furrowed as they stood stalk still. A rusty spoon would be able to cut the tension (but a hot knife would be more efficient). Time passed around the two of them unawares, and Ava’s stomach continued to knot. Lilith’s shoulders started their hike up to her ears as the adrenaline coursed through her body. They stood there for an indeterminate amount of time until the door to the training room slammed against the wall with a boom and the two jumped apart like guilty teenagers caught making out. Cheeks were flushed and Ava could feel the blush moving down her chest as Lilith turned away from her.

_Holy shit. What the fuck was that? Were we about to kiss there?_

Ava’s thoughts were spinning a mile a minute and it was hard to pick one to focus on. Most frequent these days were the thoughts of what it would be like to kiss Lilith, to be held in her arms, to experience life next to Lilith. As someone who had just her thoughts to entertain her for the majority of her life, Ava wasn’t afraid of the thoughts per se, but she was more concerned with how to convey them. Obviously there was mutual desire, this morning’s training session was proof enough, but the whole concept of talking to another person was foreign. And it’s not like Lilith was necessarily approachable; she had been insulting Ava from the very beginning. (There had been one sentence, directly following their take down at the Vatican in which Lilith had complimented Ava on her decision to stay and fight despite having just discovered the literal Devil.)

But ever since they arrived back at Cat’s Cradle, Lilith had been digging at Ava every opportunity she got. It was always small, and never really carried any weight, but Ava wasn’t sure why Lilith felt the need to separate herself from the other Sister’s in such a negative way. Usually, the comments were all centered on Ava’s lack of combat skills and especially her inability to control her body sometimes (because, let’s face it, the Halo may have brought Ava back to life but it definitely forgot to teach her how to walk) but Ava just assumed it was because Lilith was still jealous she didn’t get the Halo.

The shots were always relevant, and yet every time someone else attempted to poke fun at Ava, Lilith sent them a glare worthy of the demon living inside her body. Eventually, it got to the point where Ava started accepting the insults as Lilith’s form of friendship, and so she looked forward to hearing how creative the older woman would get. But, just like everything else in Ava’s life, Ava ruined it. She sent a fairly innocent comment back after Lilith remarked about her lack of a social life.

_“Where’d you learn to walk? A rave?”_

_“Actually no, but if you think I walk funny you should come over here and teach me how to do it properly.”_

She should’ve known that a threat like that was too far. The two of them had been dancing around whatever this was but Lilith had always kept it away from anything physical. The most contact they got was sparring, and that was becoming more rare what with Ava wanting to fight like Beatrice. It seemed like Lilith was quick to hand Ava off to Beatrice and move on with her days whenever they trained together, and so that’s why Ava had requested to learn the marital arts Beatrice did. She didn’t want to be a burden on Lilith when the older woman was so clearly annoyed by her presence. But that didn’t stop the feelings from forming in Ava’s stomach (if she knew better she might be able to label them as butterflies).

Ava decided the best course of action was to avoid Lilith and avoid contact with the other woman (every touch seemed to spark between them) as a way to avoid these feelings that were so clearly not returned. Even if it seemed like Lilith leaned into Ava’s shoulder when they sat next to each other at dinner, as soon as the incident in the training room happened, Lilith and Ava refused to be alone together.

However, it seems as if God hates them because they continuously end up on the market run together. They take the little tram into town every Saturday morning for the farmer’s market and it seems like no matter what time they go, the tram is always packed. Not wanting to lose the Halo Bearer (again), Lilith glues herself, unwillingly, to Ava. The grip she has around Ava’s bicep is tight, but not bruising (although Ava isn’t even sure she can bruise from a simple grip, but she’s not willing to test that theory) and Lilith seems intent to guide them through the market that way. They don’t separate at all until they are safely back at Cat’s Cradle, but they get knocked into each other more times than they can count and Lilith hates every single minute of it, but to be able to return successfully with the Halo in tow outweighs her discomfort.

First the market, then having to share a bed on a mission gone way too long, then being stuck in a moving vehicle for 13 hours squished in the back. It seems like despite their attempts at space, nothing is working and Ava doesn’t know how to acknowledge the fact that being in Lilith’s space makes her heart flutter and her mind quiet.

The moments of forced space sharing continue and the tension in each touch rises until it eventually breaks.

_Why did Adriel have to pick stupid fucking Norway to hide in? It’s the middle of fucking winter. I’m cold and wet and I just want to fucking kill this motherfucker_. Ava’s thoughts are filled with cuss words that would have Beatrice on her ass with a call of “language” so she doesn’t say them aloud. The sound of their boots stomping on the snow is grating on her ears and she is this close to laying down and refusing to move on. They’ve been hiking for what feels like hours (it’s probably only been 20 minutes) in order to track down a weapons collector who might have enough Divinium to kill the stupid fucking thief. He stole the fucking Halo and almost died. Why the Hell should he get it back? Men, ugh.

_And who the hell decides to collect fucking weapons and then live in a cabin in the middle of a fucking forest in the middle of wintery fucking Norway???_

The more time passes, the more impatient Ava gets, and everybody can feel it. Mary has already threatened Ava with duct tape over her mouth if she doesn’t shut up, and Lilith is just about ready to knock the girl out and throw her over her shoulder in order to move faster. It doesn’t help that Ava gets sidetracked easily and so they’ve almost put her on a leash (she’s just been told to never, under any circumstances, let go of Lilith’s hand). And so here they walk, hand in hand, through the wintry forest trying to avoid each other as much as possible. (Ava thinks it’s the fact that she’s holding onto Lilith’s hand that is making it hard for her to keep track of time and remain the stone-faced Halo Bearer everybody expects on this mission, and Lilith think holding onto Ava’s hand actually feels quite nice.)

(It probably doesn’t help that the main goal of the group is to keep Ava from doing anything too reckless since the Halo has been acting up since the last fight with Adriel and that’s why they’re keeping her on such a tight leash. Having not had a functional body for 12 years seems to have ruined Ava’s ability to be aware when something will cause bodily harm)

(Or maybe it’s the fact that Lilith doesn’t know what to do with the emotions she’s feeling for the first time in almost her whole life, and all it took was a little trip to Hell and back in order to feel again.)

So needless to say, nobody is really prepared for the forest to just… end. They thought they were getting to a clearing but instead, it seems they have reached the end of the forest. There’s a chance that it could be a lake in the summer, but seeing as it’s the middle of winter, it appears to just be a wide open space full of nothing but snow. Given the uncertainty, the Sisters head out hoping it’s not, in fact, a lake but instead a meadow in the summer.

Instinctively, Lilith just knows it’s a lake, but she hopes that it’s deep enough into winter for the water to have frozen several feet deep so they can tread safely. But, as luck would have it, Ms. Dumbass Halo Bearer would be the one to find a weak spot and fall through. So of course ( _of fucking course_ ) Lilith gets dragged through the ice with her. Luckily it seems that Mary was able to catch Lilith’s legs before she went completely under water, so now it’s just a task of getting Ava out of the water ( _Ava who can’t swim because she was paralyzed for 12 years_ ).

Lilith keeps a death grip on Ava’s arm in an attempt to not lose her, but as it happens (and it seems like it happens in slow motion), Ava starts kicking, trying to get back to the surface, but because she’s uncoordinated at all things involving body movements, she let’s go of Lilith’s hand. The squirming gets to be too much and so Lilith can’t support Ava by herself and Ava falls deeper into the water. Paralyzed with fear, Lilith hears the splash of Mary going in after the Halo Bearer and all Lilith can do was watch.

She had spent weeks avoiding touching Ava on purpose because she was afraid of what might happen, afraid of feeling. And now her hesitance at giving into the inclination of touching the girl has led to Ava ( _Ava who can’t swim_ ) falling through ice into freezing cold water and Mary diving in after her. And so here she is, waiting with baited breath for Mary to drag Ava out of the freezing water. After what seems like forever, Mary’s head breaks the surface of the water through the hole Beatrice and Camila dug in the ice. Mary has Ava under the arms, but the other girl’s eyes are closed and she doesn’t appear to be breathing.

It’s that image that pulls Lilith into action, grabbing Ava’s arms and hauling her out of the water and onto the packed snow. Together, she and Beatrice work on getting the water out of Ava’s lungs and her heart back into a normal rhythm. Ava, with seemingly no power in her body at all, rolls to the side (deeper into the snow) and coughs up water, takes a breath, and falls unconscious. Beatrice is the one to catch Ava and shift to pick her up and for some reason that Lilith is choosing steadfastly to avoid, that makes her jealous.

Lilith sates the desire to be holding Ava by taking a hold of her legs, offering silently to help Beatrice with the dead unconscious weight. It’s not like Ava is heavy by any means (Lilith and the other sisters can all carry much heavier than 120 pounds of a soaking wet girl) but it’s the thought that counts. Camila is digging in her bag for the extra clothes they all packed to help Mary get dry. To be completely honest, Lilith isn’t worried about Mary. The other woman can take care of herself, whereas Ava has little to no good survival skills.

So Lilith is absolutely more worried about Ava. The Halo Bearer is trembling in her arms (most likely from the cold, but also possibly from the shock) and Lilith has to remind herself that shivering is a good thing. These thoughts are an invasion into a tightly kept mind, and the more Lilith worry’s over Ava, the more she wishes that she didn’t care. Trekking through the snow to the hiker’s cabin on the other side of the lake seems to take ages, and Ava stops shivering right as they reach the threshold of the cabin. Beatrice starts to move quicker, throwing open the door and laying Ava down on the only bed in the cabin.

“Lilith, I’m going to start the fire. You get Ava out of her clothes and under the blankets. We need to get her warm and pray that the Halo kicks in soon.” With that, Beatrice heads out the door, leaving Lilith alone with the subject of all her thoughts.

_Get a grip, Lilith. You’ve done this before for plenty of other Sisters. No need to be shy now_. With that thought, Lilith starts unzipping Ava’s coat and working her way down until Ava is practically naked before her. Technically, it’s nothing Lilith hasn’t seen before (they usually shower in the same locker room after training) but this seems… different. Ava hasn’t even flinched at any of the contact, and Lilith grows increasingly worried, knowing how real hypothermia is, so she decides to help Ava until Beatrice gets the fire up and running.

She pushes Ava under the thick wool blankets on the bed and quickly discards of her own clothes, knowing they’ll only be a barrier for body heat transfer. Climbing in after Ava seems way too natural for Lilith’s liking, despite the fact that she’s tried to avoid sharing space with the Halo Bearer for as long as possible. It’s almost natural, the way in which Lilith slides in behind Ava, wrapping her arms around the smaller girl to pull her closer. With Ava in her arms, Lilith starts to think of all the times she could’ve had this if she hadn’t been such an ass about Ava getting the Halo. Lilith closes her eyes, focusing on the shallow breaths Ava is taking, satisfied by the smoothness of them, and slowly, her own exhales start to match Ava’s. It doesn’t take long, but before she knows it, Lilith is falling asleep, holding Ava in her arms, mostly to help the other girl avoid hypothermia, but there’s a small part of Lilith that revels in this moment.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lilith confronts feelings and things happen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is! chapter two. who knew I'd be writing this much for a pair of enemies???

When Lilith wakes next, she notices that Ava has somehow migrated and turned in her sleep (which is a relief, it means that the girl isn’t dead), and now has her head tucked under Lilith’s chin. The feeling of Ava’s leg thrown across her waist is distracting enough that it takes Lilith a minute to remember that they definitely aren’t alone, and that there are definitely more than a single pair of eyes on them.

“Everything okay there Lils?” Mary’s tone is teasing, but the words are serious.

“Just trying not to let another Halo Bearer die, that’s all.”

The eye roll from Beatrice is felt more than seen, but Lilith appreciates the lack of words from the other woman; she and Beatrice seem to have an understanding about their hesitance to express feelings. Camila walks through the door with some sort of animal (it looks like a winter fox, but how the Hell Camila managed to catch one is beyond Lilith) and heads towards the fire place.

“So after some small recon, the weapon’s dealer seems to live alone and we shouldn’t have to worry about any of Adriel’s men coming after us. I also couldn’t find any other tracks than ours, so we should be good here for a few days for Ava to recover.”

Her entrance seems to shake everybody out of their stupor, and Lilith looks back down at Ava to see she still hasn’t moved. Mary seems content to drop the teasing, and Lilith takes the moment to put on some dry clothes. Sweatpants and a t-shirt are a far cry from the combat habit, she’s used to, but after being a half-demon for so long the outfit is starting to get more comfortable. Lilith tosses the blankets over Ava in an attempt to keep the body heat in the cocoon. Lilith moves across the cabin to help Camila prepare their artic fox dinner and get away from the thoughts swirling around in her brain.

_Was this all my fault? I chased her around Spain, tried to dig the Halo out of her back. I’ve done some horrible things to Ava and yet, she still chooses to be around me. How could I have let my fears get in the way? She_ almost died _because I couldn’t get over myself. God these stupid feelings almost got her killed._ Again.

“Hey Camila? Can I ask you a question?”

“Hmm? Always.”

“Could death be considered a sign? Like. I died. And Ava died. We both seem to keep dying and I don’t know how to stop it! I just… I just don’t know how to feel anymore. What if I die before I really live my life?” Lilith’s voice cracks before she continues. “What if I don’t get to experience anything? I’m just afraid I guess.”

Camila places a hand on Lilith’s shoulder, “I’m not sure how to answer these questions Lil. I think that’s something the two of you are going to have to work out together.”

With that, the two turn back to the fox and get ready to start cooking. There’s peace and quiet in the cabin, only the sounds of Beatrice’s knives against a whetstone and Mary cleaning her shotguns. The routine calms Lilith, and she dives into the muscle memory of being with her Sisters. Time didn’t seem to pass at all as the two women prepared dinner, and the four of them sat to eat the last of their protein bars and the artic fox. Ava didn’t stir at the smell of dinner and that shocked Lilith but she tried to remind herself that Ava was recovering from possible hypothermia with a malfunctioning Halo.

Beatrice pulled out a deck of cards and the Sisters gathered around the table to play a game of ‘go fish’. They were six rounds in when Ava made the first sign of waking up. There’s a groan followed by the shuffle of the blankets and Lilith shoots out of her seat at the table and crosses the space in three long strides. She comes to a stop at the side of the bed, unsure of what to do with herself. Unsure of where she and Ava stand at the moment, unsure of if her touch and presence will be welcomed. Eventually, Ava opens an eye to peak around the room and spots Lilith standing above her. With no sense of hesitance, she reaches out a hand and gestures vaguely in Lilith’s direction, asking silently for contact. With that form of permission, Lilith slides back under the covers with Ava and takes the girls hand in her own.

“Welcome back, Baby H.” Mary’s voice cuts through the moment like a shotgun blast and Lilith is forced to uncurl from Ava so that Beatrice can make sure Ava is actually okay. The Halo Bearer is quiet and subdued and her energy seems to be waning already, and Lilith knows in her heart that Ava is okay physically, but she seems unable to get a read on Ava’s state of mind and that is more concerning. Their shared death experiences have given the two women something similar to ‘twin telepathy’ (“Cuz we’re celestial twins now Lilith! We are the coolest people on the planet.”) and the connection had allowed the two to know when the other was in danger.

Lilith refused to move from Ava’s side, content to finally have contact with the other girl after putting it off for so long. It seemed like a fall in the ice was just the kick in the head she needed to realize how life short actually is (because apparently a trip to Hell and _actually dying_ didn’t seem to do the trick). Beatrice managed to work around her, but when the time came to get Ava into real clothes, Lilith took the job without question. She helped Ava up and into the sweatpants and hoodie that Camila pulled from some bag somewhere. The Halo was glowing softly (finally) and seemed to be giving Ava some much needed energy, and so Lilith helped her eat some of their roast fox.

Following Ava’s late dinner, the five women sat around the cabin trying to come up with a plan for getting the Divinium weapons from the dealer without having to involve Ava (which was harder than they thought it would be) but they finally settled on a semblance of a plan. They would head out in the morning, Mary, Camila, and Beatrice, while Lilith would wait until the last possible minute to teleport in if they needed help (but they all knew that the three wouldn’t need help, so Lilith was alone with Ava for Lord knows how long). The sleeping arrangements that night weren’t any different than the night before, but this time, Ava consciously cuddled close to Lilith, burying her face into Lilith’s neck almost like a cat. There was less tension in the hold Lilith wrapped Ava up in, and the movement didn’t go unnoticed by any of the women.

Ava woke early the next morning to the quiet hustle of the Sister’s getting ready to head out. She wasn’t sure what it was that woke her, but it soon became clear when Lilith wasn’t in bed with her any longer; she was cold and missed the contact of Lilith’s body against hers. Rolling over, she could see Lilith ushering the other three women out the door before closing it behind them with a quiet click, turning back to the main room of the cabin. Instead of coming back to bed like Ava expected, Lilith began pacing around the small area, studiously avoiding eye contact with the Halo Bearer.

“Lilith, come here.” Ava whispered, trying to keep the peace.

Lilith paused her pacing but didn’t move, and so Ava climbed out from under the covers, dragging the top blanket behind her like a cape. She gently reached for Lilith’s hand, giving the Lilith plenty of time to sense the movement with her half-demon/sister warrior superpowers.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Lilith snaps, snatching her hand back from Ava’s before resuming her pacing. Her breaths are audible and Ava wouldn’t be worried except for the fact that Lilith had been avoiding voluntary contact with her until after she fell in the water and now for two nights in a row, Ava had woken cuddled in Lilith’s arms.

“I’m sorry. That was rude.” Lilith finally turns to face Ava and sits down at the small table. “I just had some… realizations lately. That have refused to settle in my mind.”

Ava moves to join Lilith at the table and once again reaches for her hand, and this time, Lilith meets her halfway.

“Those… realizations… wouldn’t have to do with me falling in the ice, would they? Because I’ve had lots of time to think while I’ve been trapped in my own brain fighting off hypothermia and pneumonia. So if it’s the case that you feel the same way I do, then I totally understand. It’s been really difficult for me to think of anything else these days but you and I don’t know what to do with these feelings because I never thought anybody would be able to see me the same way-“ Ava’s rambling is cut off by a squeeze of her hand, and she looks away from the window over Lilith’s shoulder to meet the other woman’s eyes.

“You have feelings Baby H?” Lilith lets out a small chuckle before turning serious again. “I was never allowed to have feelings, it was a weakness, so to suddenly have feelings for anybody, let alone _you_ … I’ve been trying to avoid it.”

Ava snorts.

“Obviously. But here we are.”

“Here we are indeed,” Lilith whispers.

“Do… do you… do you want a hug?” Ava asks gently.

There’s silence. Nobody talks, Ava feels like she doesn’t breathe for the two minutes it takes Lilith to look her in the eyes and give a small nod. The minute Lilith gives permission, Ava shoots across the table like a rocket and wraps her arms around Lilith’s torso as tight as she can, knowing she can’t hurt the other woman. Slowly but surely, Lilith wraps her arms around Ava’s shoulders; a poor attempt at affection she was never taught how to show, but Ava doesn’t seem to mind.

They stand there for who knows how long before Lilith relaxes into the feeling of Ava’s arms around her and turns to bury her head in Ava’s hair. She runs a hand up and down Ava’s back, can feel the scar from the Halo underneath the long sleeved shirt she had put on for bed last night (“you’re a freaking space heater, Lilith. I don’t think I need to sleep in a sweatshirt.”) The embrace feels good, and when Ava starts pulling away, Lilith clings to her shoulders to keep the Halo Bearer in her space before leaning down to place a kiss against Ava’s lips.

It’s soft and smooth, and nothing at all like Lilith had expected her first kiss to be. She’s heard stories from some of the other sister’s about smashed noses and bumping teeth, but it seems like she and Ava do just fine. She pulls away quickly, afraid of the consequences of making her feelings known, but Ava chases after her and pulls her back in for another kiss.


End file.
